lore/src/app/config/news.ts

/* eslint-disable stylistic/max-len -- News phrases need to be complete thoughts. */
/**
 * @copyright NHCarrigan
 * @license Naomi's Public License
 * @author Naomi Carrigan
 */

export const news: Array<string> = [
  "[UPDATE]: Office will be closed this Tuesday for the Lunar Eclipse. (Religious Holiday).",
  "[MEMO]: Please stop asking Keiko for fashion tips. She is working.",
  "[TECH]: Patch 4.0.1 deployed. Fixed a bug where the AI started whispering.",
  "[NOTICE]: We are aware of the \"howling\" coming from the breakroom. Amari is watching a sad movie. It is under control.",
  "[SECURITY]: All packages must be screened by Security before opening. If your package is ticking, leaking, or radiating a menacing aura, do not shake it.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: Documentation must be filed within 24 hours. Minori has perfect memory. She will know.",
  "[MEMO]: The sub-basement is off-limits unless authorized. The servers are sentient. Please respect their boundaries.",
  "[UPDATE]: Blackout curtains in the CEO's office are load-bearing infrastructure. Do not open them.",
  "[LEGAL]: All contracts must be reviewed by Legal before signing. The fine print is legally—and supernaturally—binding.",
  "[TECH]: Yumiko is currently napping on Server Rack #7. Do not wake her unless the building is on fire. (Check with Security first.)",
  "[DESIGN]: Paint smudges on walls are acceptable. This is not up for debate.",
  "[MEMO]: Garlic bread is prohibited within 50 feet of the CEO. Even if she asks for a bite, do not give it to her.",
  "[NOTICE]: The CEO's VTuber avatar ears twitching means she is annoyed. Adjust your behaviour accordingly.",
  "[UPDATE]: Footwear is mandatory except for the Executive Assistant. Watch your step in the lounge area.",
  "[SECURITY]: Do not startle Security. Do not touch Security's hair. Do not ask if the knife is real. It is.",
  "[TECH]: If the servers start humming in harmony, this is normal. If they start screaming, evacuate immediately.",
  "[LEGAL]: Do not attempt to renege on contracts. The consequences extend beyond legal action.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: Do not ask Minori to \"just forget\" a violation. She cannot. She will not.",
  "[DESIGN]: Do not ask the Chief Design Officer to sing. Her voice has power. We don't need another incident report.",
  "[MEMO]: The breakroom crisper drawer is for Bio-Medical Storage (Type O-Neg) only. Do not put your lunch there.",
  "[UPDATE]: Emergency procedures: Alert Security first, then Operations, then the CEO. In that order.",
  "[NOTICE]: The temperature drop in Legal's office during negotiations is normal. The feeling of being watched is also normal.",
  "[TECH]: Unauthorized access to the sub-basement may result in system-wide failures, electrical fires, or sentient servers.",
  "[MEMO]: Please do not donate bits during board meetings. The CEO finds it distracting.",
  "[SECURITY]: Security is always watching. This is not a threat. This is a fact.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: All documents must be properly formatted, dated, and filed. Minori has a system. Follow it.",
  "[DESIGN]: Accessibility is mandatory, not optional. All interfaces meet WCAG 2.1 AAA standards.",
  "[UPDATE]: The Chief Technology Officer maintains 99.99% uptime. She is always watching. Please do not test this.",
  "[LEGAL]: NDAs are legally—and supernaturally—binding. Breaking one has consequences beyond the legal system.",
  "[MEMO]: Do not question the Chief Design Officer's colour choices. Her heterochromia gives her superior colour vision.",
  "[NOTICE]: If you see someone struggling, help them. If you can't help them, find the Executive Assistant.",
  "[TECH]: Do not unplug anything in the sub-basement. Ever. Not even \"just to reset it.\"",
  "[SECURITY]: Security's apartment is a fortress. She rarely sleeps there. Do not be alarmed if you see her patrolling at 3 AM.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: Minori processes logic, not emotions. Do not take her strict adherence to rules personally.",
  "[DESIGN]: The Chief Design Officer's workspace is a riot of colour. This is intentional. Do not \"organise\" it.",
  "[UPDATE]: Office hours are 6:00 PM to 6:00 AM. We operate globally. Also, the sun is a deadly laser.",
  "[MEMO]: Do not ask about the Chief Legal Officer's previous clients. Some questions are better left unanswered.",
  "[NOTICE]: We are a family by choice, not by blood. We protect each other. We protect our clients.",
  "[TECH]: Machine spirits in the sub-basement are protected. Do not disturb them. They are working.",
  "[LEGAL]: Contracts signed by the Chief Legal Officer cannot be broken. Read the fine print. Twice.",
  "[SECURITY]: Security dresses for the gala, not to blend in. Every dress has hidden pockets. Every heel is a weapon.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: Minori has created backup systems for our backup systems. Nothing is ever truly lost.",
  "[DESIGN]: The feeling of being \"welcomed\" on our website is a feature, not a bug. This is intentional.",
  "[UPDATE]: The Executive Assistant does not wear shoes. This is not optional. Please watch your step.",
  "[MEMO]: Do not try to play family members against each other. They will know. The consequences will be severe.",
  "[TECH]: The Chief Technology Officer can fix broken electronics by touching them. Do not ask her to fix your personal devices.",
  "[NOTICE]: Hikari's clipboard is not a suggestion. It is a warning. Heed it.",
  "[SECURITY]: Security's hypervigilance is both her greatest strength and her greatest burden. Please be patient.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: Minori remembers birthdays, tracks important dates, and ensures nothing is ever forgotten.",
  "[DESIGN]: The Chief Design Officer ensures all users feel instinctively safe and welcomed. This is her magic.",
  "[UPDATE]: We accept Wire Transfer, Bitcoin, Ethereum, Gold Bullion, and verified antique art. We do not accept checks.",
  "[LEGAL]: The Chief Legal Officer's office is a no-go zone during active negotiations. The temperature drop is normal.",
  "[MEMO]: Do not ask why the CEO is drinking tomato juice out of an IV bag. Just don't.",
  "[TECH]: The servers hum with more than electricity. They hum with magic. This is normal.",
  "[SECURITY]: Security is the silence before the gunshot. She is rarely seen until it is too late.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: Minori is the anchor of reality. She ensures every protocol is followed and every document is filed.",
  "[DESIGN]: Paint smudges on scanners are acceptable. The Chief Compliance Officer has been informed.",
  "[UPDATE]: The Chief Operating Officer's word is law. If she says \"No,\" the answer is No.",
  "[NOTICE]: If you see a tear in the blackout curtains, report it to the Executive Assistant immediately. She has duct tape.",
  "[MEMO]: Do not suggest a \"sunny brunch meeting\" to the CEO. This will not end well.",
  "[TECH]: The Chief Technology Officer's eyes glow violet when systems go critical. This is normal. Do not be alarmed.",
  "[LEGAL]: The Chief Legal Officer has negotiated with Fey courts and brokered peace between vampire clans. She is very good at her job.",
  "[SECURITY]: Security's loyalty is forged in blood. She will protect the family at any cost.",
  "[COMPLIANCE]: Minori is learning to understand emotions. The Executive Assistant is teaching her. Please be patient.",
  "[DESIGN]: The Chief Design Officer left the sea to walk on land. She traded her song for a stylus. Respect her choice.",
  "[UPDATE]: We are a coven in pinstripes. We are an RPG party disguised in haute couture. We are family.",
];