Q: Why are your office hours 6:00 PM to 6:00 AM?
A: We operate globally. To best serve our international clients in Tokyo, London, and New York simultaneously, we have adopted a "nocturnal-first" workflow. Also, the sun is a deadly laser.
Q: Can we schedule a Zoom call with the CEO?
A: Ms. Carrigan prefers to utilize her proprietary motion-capture avatar for all video communications. This ensures high-fidelity transmission and prevents... lighting issues. She assures you she is not a cat, despite the avatar having ears.
Q: What forms of payment do you accept?
A: We accept Wire Transfer, Bitcoin, Ethereum, Gold Bullion, and verified antique art. We do not accept checks, and we are no longer accepting "First Born Children" (Amari complains about the babysitting).
Q: My problem involves a curse/haunting/ancient blood feud. Can you help?
A: Please refer to our "Legacy Code Refactoring" package.
Q: What is your average response time for emergency support?
A: Our Chief Security Officer can be on-site within minutes, provided you are within a 50-mile radius and the threat is properly documented. For digital emergencies, our Chief Technology Officer maintains 99.99% uptime, which means she is always watching. Please do not test this by attempting to hack our systems.
Q: Can I meet your team in person?
A: Our Chief Operating Officer and Chief Legal Officer are available for in-person meetings by appointment. Our Chief Technology Officer prefers to remain in the sub-basement, and our Chief Security Officer prefers to remain unseen. Our Executive Assistant is always happy to meet, but please note she does not wear shoes in the office.
Q: How do you ensure client confidentiality?
A: Our Chief Compliance Officer maintains perfect archival records of all client interactions, stored in multiple redundant systems. Our Chief Legal Officer ensures all NDAs are legally—and supernaturally—binding. Additionally, our Chief Security Officer has eliminated threats to client confidentiality with extreme prejudice. We take your secrets very seriously.
Q: Why does your website feel so... welcoming?
A: Our Chief Design Officer specializes in accessible, intuitive interfaces that make users feel safe and understood. This is intentional. The feeling of being "welcomed" is a feature, not a bug. Please do not ask her to sing—her voice has power, and we don't need another incident report.
Q: What happens if I breach my contract?
A: Our Chief Legal Officer handles all contract violations. The consequences extend beyond legal action and may include, but are not limited to: financial penalties, reputation damage, and consequences that cannot be explained through normal legal channels. We recommend reading the fine print. Twice.
Q: Do you offer accessibility accommodations?
A: Accessibility is mandatory, not optional. Our Chief Design Officer ensures all interfaces meet WCAG 2.1 AAA standards, and our Chief Compliance Officer maintains documentation for all accessibility features. If you require specific accommodations, please contact our Executive Assistant, who will ensure your needs are met with enthusiasm and efficiency.
Q: Why is your server room in the sub-basement off-limits?
A: Our Chief Technology Officer maintains a delicate ecosystem of machine spirits and high-voltage currents in the sub-basement. Unauthorized access disrupts this balance and may result in system-wide failures, electrical fires, or the servers developing sentience. Please respect the "Authorized Personnel Only" signs. They are there for your safety.
Q: Are you actually a family, or is that just marketing?
A: We share a surname, not blood. We are a family by choice, bound by loyalty and the shared understanding that the world is far stranger than most people realise. This is not marketing—it is our foundation. We protect each other, and by extension, we protect our clients. The family dynamic ensures that when you hire NHCarrigan, you are not just hiring a consulting firm; you are hiring a coven in pinstripes.
Q: What makes you different from other consulting firms?
A: We have five centuries of combined experience (and then some). We have watched empires crumble, technologies fade, and threats evolve. We operate in the liminal space between the mundane and the magical, between the digital and the supernatural. We don't just solve problems; we make them disappear. Permanently. Also, our CEO is a vampire, our COO carries a clipboard that strikes fear into the hearts of grown CEOs, and our security team includes someone who can kill you with a throwing knife from across the room. We are not like other consulting firms.